NOTE: Thanks to “Missy” who posted a question about working with direct supports professionals — balancing between trying not to upset the boat (upsetting the DSP staff) and standing up for the rights of your sibling. First, as my brothers Direct Support Staff will tell you, I do not have this figured out. But, I will share with you what I learned, what seems to work, and what still frustrates me. We welcome and encourage other people to comment.

Background: In our case, David is not personally responsible for hiring his own direct support staff. We work with a provider. The provider hires the staff, assigns the staff, there can be good matches and bad matches. And, of course, there is staff turnover. When you’re talking 24×7 supervision, that’s a lot of people. David and I made out holiday cards for 12 different individuals just for his residential care. There are individuals who come and fill in shifts. Temps. And then there are day program staff. I do not know who is with my brother at any given moment. I mean I don’t know which person is with my brother and often if I did know who, I wouldn’t know who they are. That is the frightening reality.

Speaking of the frightening reality, here are my top 3 daily fears:

1. Fear of overloading “the system”. Too many complaints, you become just 1 big complaint and then you are completely ignored or humored.
2. Fear of letting things slide. Wrong-doings swept under the carpet, then you haven’t done your job as an advocate. A little bit sliding all the time can snowball into an avalanche.
3. Fear of retaliation. The worst fear is a concern that if you really piss off a direct support staff your sibling may suffer at their hands — either through neglect or worse, through specific actions. My brother is vulnerable, dependent on 24 hour support, and cannot call out or run away. For those of you with a family member who has more severe disabilities, more medically engaged…you know that an act of omission can have dire consequences.

 

Fear and Trust

I want to be aspirational. I work hard to live in continued hope of a fabulous future for my brother. The problems, however are in the “now.” And the consequences are tomorrow… when I have gone and David is alone.

Fear is the dark side of the lack of trust. Last year, I did some best practise research in a different state. I went to a provider who was really working community living. I wanted to see how another state and agency managed this best practise. I spent the day with all of the staff and shadowed them on their jobs. Finally at the end of the day we had a roundtable discussion. I asked: “As a family member, how can a person like me (in my role) work most effectively with people like you (in your role)?” Every single person sitting around the table said “you have got to let go of some of the control, the details, and trust in us.”

In Loving Memory of Walter

I reflected on this during the long drive home and repeatedly afterwards. They have a point. I don’t trust. Why not? The risk is too high. My brother, Walter, choked to death eating a peanut butter sandwich (he had known trouble swallowing — no gag reflex — and “shoveling” and was left alone in the kitchen with peanut butter sandwiches left laying out). I confess that I will not be able to suppress this fear. And this fear is exacerbated by the frequent anonymity of the staff on any given day. I try to find ways to manage the fear factor. Daily. I absolutely must concentrate on the positive.

What Seems to Work

The hardest thing is coming to terms with “least bad” reasoning. Let’s face it, if you have a loved one in any type of care facility or care program you are often faced with making “less bad” decisions instead of great decisions. I long for the time  when our reasoning and decision making is aspirational versus less injurious. This is my hope for the generation coming of age in the next 10 years.

• When I can’t hope to learn all the staff, I have gotten to know the management and supervisors in charge of the day program and the residential program. I have their phone numbers on speed dial in my cell phone. I talk to them throughout the course of the year. Not just during planning meetings. I call meetings so that the IDT meeting is not the only chance to talk.
• I work hard to provide materials to let people get to know David. Last year I put together this little pamphlet for David’s staff so they could quickly get to know him (David Fialkowski, All About Me). It was good for temp staff. It worked for a couple months. So that’s something else I learned. What works is stuff that is standard, repeatable, constant. That’s what the “system” is set up for. My “try this try that” — doesn’t work. I used to be disappointed. Now I’ve learned that I need to do things that can be reproduced, not just for David but for other individuals who are served by the same provider.
• I constantly pick and choose my battles. This is relatively new. My mouth was on auto-pilot: see something, say something. I had to learn (still learning!) to automatically filter and prioritize. I prioritize based on a) most important first (health and safety) b) treating David like an individual with self determination c) things that can help the other individuals as well as David. This filtering leaves me unhappy. There are battles I swallow like the fact that the day program building management asked them to ride up in the service elevator. Or that the office doesn’t have a wheelchair button to automatically open the door (why does it need one, there’s always staff with them?)
• What could I do better? I could make more of an effort to get to know the people around David. But, what would be even better is if there was a circle around David so that it wasn’t just me. More people calling his house and asking “who am I speaking to? how are you today? how long have you been working with David? do you have children? how long have you been working in the field,” etc. I just don’t have enough hours in the day. I just about manage asking about David. As I mentioned in a previous post, everyone needs a circle. Share the load, rotate the calls. I hope you have one! I mean, wouldn’t that be a great idea: to set up a calling circle? Rotationally call on each other’s families? Use a contact database like sales people do… maybe even call people who are in “crisis” and check up on them and their care … but I digress….

Treasure Those Who Work

There are plenty of support staff who do a great job. And when you find one, they are a gem. My brother has had some staff stability in the last few years (since he moved to his new house). For the moment, we have staff who’s concerned about David in a long term basis. We form attachments as a family. We can invite these people to accompany David to family weddings, professional events, etc. And once there is some staff stability we can start talking about things like self determination, using the iPad for communications, going places specific to David’s likes, hopes, dreams.

What’s YOUR Situation?

What have you found? What works? How do you keep an open dialog? Do you know your DSPs? Please share, we can all learn from each other…

Yours in Community,
Kate